So last you guys heard, I was going into surgery - well I am back and it went well. Four hours and a few heart scares later, I was waiting to go home. Summer came in to pick me up, she was so awesome that day you guys don't even understand. She was so sweet and helpful and I could tell that she was really, really trying for me. She's an angel
As for how I'm travelling mentally well, up until recently I have been travelling much better than expected. I took a photo of myself 3 days after surgery and even with my swollen jaw and lacklustre eyes, it was the "best" photo I had seen of myself for years. I generally feel happier in myself and with myself, which is great. The last few weeks have felt like a bit of a high and now I think the depression is hitting me again. So I get my dentures in about 3 months time, which I was not prepared for. Although what I did learn through the whole experience (thus far, at least) is that some things you just cannot prepare for. In that regard, I am content with the wait. The current rewards compared to how my mouth was (how limited by foods, weather, beverages, etc.) are in themselves, fantastic! There are times I take a mouthful of cool water after food and it's like "Oh shit!! That's gonna cost me" but then there's no pain. It's so awesome. The other night I forgot to get a lemon from the tree to make dinner which would normally mean my mum would have to grab it for me; it's winter here atm and the nights are quite cold. That would have been instant toothache for me, cancelling out my chance of at least attempting the dinner. I went out, without a jacket in the cold and do you know what I felt? Cold. No pain, just cold. It was glorious! Oh, the things you take for granted, I tell ya. Nothing is too sweet, too hot or too cold and I find that in itself to be very liberating. You must understand, my diet has been on the decline for many years now so some of the things available to me now I have not had in like.. 5 years or so? And taste!! Oh my God. The teeth I had in my head were slowly poisoning me every day but what I did NOT know is that they were also hindering my sense of taste. Everything tastes so different! I couldn't drink straight apple juice the next morning, the flavour was just too intense - I had to water it down to drink it.
While all those things make me happy beyond belief I find myself slipping still - this is what causes me to think my depression is the culprit. I mean aside from the fact that I am getting a little frustrated with my eating situation (I can eat anything I can mash, basically. It's been years since I have just bitten into a nice, fresh salad sandwich. You don't understand the cravings I am having, it's like being pregnant i.e; very intense) and I am very much lacking in the sleep department at the moment. Summer keeps waking, or had been waking me every night and now she is sick. So instead of just being up every night I am up several times a night - last night it was every hour from about midnight til 5 or so? Total killer. I know... no. I FEEL that this is taking a toll on both my body and my mind but I still don't feel this is enough to warrant my feelings at the moment. I am finding I am very hot and cold with... everyone. And I don't mean to be! But sometimes it's like I just wanna talk and talk and other times it is like I don't want to talk to anyone ever again. Nothing seems to trigger these sorts of feelings that I can identify, I have tried to analyze my behaviour and look for a trigger but there doesn't seem to be one. I just switch and I can't even explain it. No one has to do anything to me. I want to be with people and be alone all at once. It's very conflicting. Then I am feeling bad because I don't like it when people treat me this way but at the same time, that is all I can do - feel bad. I can't make myself stop it or snap out of it. A majority of the time I just feel confused, I guess? Don't even know if that is the right "label". I am not only experiencing this with people but with other things that I typically enjoy such as writing or gaming. The amount of times I have sat down to do this post, you guys would not believe. I start it then I can't finish because I'm not feeling it. The same with my gaming. But that is all I can do is to realize that I am in a rut I can't bring myself to even try to get out of it. It's almost like I'm on auto-pilot at the moment and I'm just watching everything happen around me. I don't feel like I have control of anything, even myself, all I can do is watch and realize.