Well.. Mother's Day is upon us today. It's only 1:13 pm and it feels as though it has been an eternity. I felt my depression creeping up on me yesterday and it is very safe to say that it has taken me over today. Went to the doctors earlier in the week, got a medication increase and been given yet another label... PTSD this time, gotta go back and fill out some shit and ring around as I'm being referred to a psych and I have to "choose" one, like that's something you can really do over the phone.
I know I'm not coping well - whenever I try to voice this to the few closest to me, they down play it or brush it off... at least that is what it feels like, I am sure they don't mean it to be that way. I understand my feelings are very confronting but guess what... I don't know what to do with them either! Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of just changing the subject and moving along, as others do. It's as if I am expected to "snap out of it" because I have survived thus far, like I should draw strength from how much my life has sucked, and just gets worse. To this all I can say is "What if I wanted to break?" What if I am tired of fighting every single day of my life to just "survive". I have not lived a day in my life, I have survived - scrapped through each day barely in tact. Am I seriously expected to do this dance for the rest of my life with no reprieve? What if I'm running on empty, am I still expected to perform with the same tenacity I have displayed previously? I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and no one will listen, as if my feelings and reactions are that of a drama queen. Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually need people treating me as if I am crazy, I already feel like I'm losing it. There is nothing solid, no stability. I'm sick of trying to find the ground.
On top of just how I feel, Summer's father is back to being a dickhead, threat of losing the house is still over my head. Seriously, how much is one person meant to deal with? And I think I could get through if I could even imagine some form of end to this torture, but alas, I do not. I do not seeing life get easier. Ever. It's been on a steady decline for over a decade now and it doesn't improve. Or if it does, it is briefly, to give me hope, then it's gone. Because I love being crushed over and over and over. Sure, it's fine to be optimistic and upbeat when you are only witnessing it, not experiencing it. Plenty of people to offer their sympathy but no one to actually help. Even with Summer. I have no one. I've babysat various children since mum's passing so people could have a break. Anyone to do that for me? Anyone who will even offer? No?? Well there is a fucking surprise. It was kinda funny (but mostly sad); when I went to the docs she asked if there was anyone I could talk to in the mean time, she was pushing me to talk to friends or family. I said "Look, I'm gonna be honest, my mum was all I had and she's gone." I was given the number for a fucking helpline because I lack any kind of decent support. Actually, now I read that back, that's nothing but utterly pathetic. Done.