Journal Entry: Sat Jun 28, 2014, 7:38 PM
First off, as of Tuesday I'm gonna be toothless. Hospital finally called and they have an appointment so I took it. God knows how long I would have to wait for the next one since I was originally told a few weeks.. that was over a year ago. So I am not willing to take the chance of possibly having to wait another year. I know I can't do that. But at the same time there is just this impending sense of doom. I tried taking some photos of my mouth this morning and telling myself "This is what you are letting go of, it's a positive step" but that kinda didn't work. It was just very confronting and made me feel a whole lot worse. It's really difficult to try and prepare myself for this. While I know that it has been coming for ages, hell.. there were even days I wished for this day to come. Now it's here and I'm scared shitless. I know that I need to get these damn things out of my head.. I am sick of the pain, sick of not being able to eat most foods, sick of being embarrassed and ashamed of having teeth like these. People must think I am off my brain on drugs or I just neglected my teeth which wasn't the case. It was once I became pregnant that it all went down hill. Damn child literally sucked the calcium out of my body. It has happened to all of us.. my mother, my grandmother, my sister and my brother is on his way. None of us were blessed with good teeth, despite looking after them. It's not only that, but having my teeth removed.. you don't get those back. It feels as though someone is removing a limb from my body. No matter how damaged it is, it is still mine, and I won't have it any more. Then there is the embarrassment of having no teeth. I'm not sure if that is a step up or a step down from how I currently am but it feels as though it is a step down. While I have pretty fucked teeth, I at least still have teeth (even though the dentists have told me the are basically just shells, now) and after Tuesday.. I have nothing.
The most common response I have received is "at least you are getting them out" or "at least there will be no more pain". I understand that these are just people's ways of trying to make me feel better, but it really doesn't. It actually feels as though people are dismissing how I feel about the upcoming operation which breeds negative feelings towards those people in me, then I just don't talk to them about it again because I know what I can expect. Perhaps my problem is that it really doesn't matter what any one else says, at the end of the day, I am the one going through it all. The only people who could truly understand how this feels are people who have been in the same or similar situation. Then there is the fact that aside from what people say, I am still going to believe what I believe, good or bad. I am a very stubborn person and it can be very hard to change my way of thinking. I have difficulty changing my own way of thinking so I doubt others will have much success. It is also something I have been and continue to be highly sensitive about so it may not in fact be what other people say, perhaps I could find fault in almost anything someone says to me about the current situation because I feel so negatively about myself. Even on a "good" day, I don't feel good about myself. I feel good about the day, things that have happened but I never (and haven't for... I can't remember how long) felt good about myself, mostly due to outward appearances. I feel that horrible about how I look that I have ceased contact with most people. I refuse to "meet up" with people for fear of what they will think of me, especially people I haven't seen for some time. I have basically confined myself to my house. I'm always in pjs because I fail to see the point in putting any effort into my appearance whatsoever. I have basically become recluse, and while I long to break free of this prison I have built for myself, I also find great comfort in my confines. No one can hurt me here, no one can judge me (as a mother or a person) based on how I look. I am even now having great difficulty speaking clearly, either due to my teeth or my tongue and cheeks being so sore from freshly broken teeth that just shred the insides of my mouth. So I have even gone so far as to restrict myself from bridging any further communications with people online as well as offline. I don't want to be judged, I don't want to feel like every time I step outside people are looking at me; judging, pointing, laughing.
With all this in mind, I think it is pretty safe to say I am at one of the lowest points I have ever been in my life and I've had some low times.. the logical part of me says "It can't possibly get much worse than this - only way from here is up". Those thoughts are quashed almost instantly by the part of me that thinks this is only the beginning and things can get a LOT worse. I am hoping that after the operation and after the pain subsides, that I shall be more positive about the outlook of it all. I am trying to keep reminding myself of all the positive that will come of this. There is so much to gain for me by going through this process. I am (or was) a BIG foodie so cooking is something I will be able to wholeheartedly throw myself back into. I will be able to take the time to pretty myself up a bit, because it won't just be like "Look at my mouth; what's the point?" I will be able to get some weight back on me, and I will have energy because I will be able to eat nutritional food again! I can't remember the last time I had fresh fruit. There is so much a miss. Just gotta try and keep my head up, remind myself that this IS all worth it.