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About Varied / Hobbyist Member Love never dies, but it kills.Female/Australia Group :iconwriters-paradise: Writers-Paradise
 
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I woke up this morning
Threw my feet to the floor
In a vain attempt
To push myself through
Another day
And the sun - she greeted me
Through the cracks
Of my curtain
Radiating her light into
A dark and dreary world

Through squinted eyes 
I reach my closet
Combing through
The wreckage
"Hmm, what shall I wear today?

Ah-ha! My favourite."

So I suck in my tummy
Squeeze into
A most vibrant shade
Of happy
But it's so 
Uncomfortable
Awkward
Crushing
Suffocating
"But you look so good!
Just wear it!!"
Another day - discomfort
But I survive
I look pretty
And after all;
That is all that
Really matters
Uncomfortably Happy
I wish I could just make my depression go away, but I can't. It's all I can do to keep others happy.
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No one understands me
Like you do

Take me away
With your melody
That plays through the night
Your strings speak
The song of my soul
Transforming my thoughts
Into lyrics

No, nobody understands me
Not like you
For that
I'll always be your slave
Music
I have always been and will always be a beast tamed by music.
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Every time I see your face
I close my eyes
I smile
At the thought of
Disfiguring you
Cutting you open
Just to see 
If your heart beats
But alas
Suicide is a sin
No one can hate me 
More than I
As I delicately cut
Layers from my wrist
Surviving the best way I know how.
So, there's been a few things going on as of late, as per usual! Of course I come here a broken woman looking for a way to repair myself. I left my gaming team this morning. This may sound trivial to you guys but to me, it was a big part of what my life had become, lately. It was not planned, although I had thought about it previously. The lack of organisation was just driving me crazy and I don't like constantly being reminded of who is the leader unless leadership is being questioned. There was a clear segregation between the leaders and the subordinates and I cannot function in that kind of environment. I don't mean it's my way or the highway, don't get me wrong, I can follow leadership... but there has to be regulations, organisation and enforcement for any kind of team, business or anything else along those lines to be able to function in a productive manner. Something I say regularly to my mum (whether it be in regards to Summer, feelings towards herself or goals she wants to achieve) "We don't half arse it in this house." I take the same attitude with my tasks when I am set. I cannot be a part of something that I wouldn't be proud to have my name on. I am the same way with my uni (hence breakdown and needing to break), I am the same way with Summer, with anything really. In fact, in having and raising Summer, it has only become worse because she is so fixed on schedules and to a point, that has enhanced that trait in me. A fault of mine, I readily admit. If something is broken or not working, I have to fix it. If I have a deadline, no matter what chaos is going on around me, I HAVE to meet it. Even if it near kills me. Even during breaks I am trying to solve the problem, complete that essay, finish putting together the schedule for whatever... I literally CANNOT do things by half. If it has something I have taken on that is too much and has to be cut (which is often the case with me because I want to do so much with my life and I am truly and genuinely passionate about so many things, I take on more than I can handle. Regularly.) then I have to learn to "grieve" the idea and move on. But this team, I was very invested in. I spent hours, days, even weeks working for them to not even have half of the enthusiasm or work shown back. It was keeping me up at night being mad at the lack of communication and the way things were still expected to be just done when they were ready. Being in a different time zone definitely was a obstacle that no matter how I tried, I could not work around. Not with Summer and she comes first. No passion of mine could or would come before her. People never seem to realise this.

Briefly touching on the stressful events of late, my niece went in for surgery on Tuesday. She went fine and seems to be recovering well. Was not a risky operation but still caused my mum to stress which caused me to stress and the lack of communication from my sister was disgusting. That being said, that was the cause of her own marital problems which I am not even going to go into 1. because I would need a whole other account to just tell that story, 2. it's not my story to tell. And my grandfather called up not long ago. His good eye is bloodshot, there is no pain and he can still see but it is a worry because it is his good eye =\ Just to explain, his "bad" eye, he can hardly see out of now and it would be incredibly heartbreaking because he loves his poetry. He writes, he reads, the man is 86 and still goes to his poetry group once a week. He carries around a heavy briefcase full of poetry books "just in case" he gets the opportunity to read to people, including hospital visits. It has always been a love of his. He recited a poem he had written at my parents wedding, and just writing this (and thinking about the possibility of his loss of sight) brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because I know that would be the end of him. Poetry is all he really has left now.

So, with just those things in mind (and that is no where near the extent of what life has been lately), understandably today is an emotional day for me. One of those days where I feel like I can't quite keep my shit together and yet I have to because I am home alone with Summer and if I fall apart now, she will too, which just makes shit a whole bunch worse. But at least I do not feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack like I have for the last 2 days, so I am enjoying that, at least. Funny, the things you appreciate. That being said I predict Summer will most likely start playing up soon because I can only seem to shield emotions from her for a short time. It's like she sniffs it out v_v Then she will start acting up because I'm emotional which will make my day a fuck ton harder! That will most likely be followed by me smashing off a whole block of chocolate to myself because I can and it doesn't cause tooth ache now =| Yay for emotional eating? 
  • Mood: Tearful
  • Listening to: Nothing Left to Say / Rocks - Imagine Dragons

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BellaBugia
Love never dies, but it kills.
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Australia
My name is Karissa, I'm 21. I started writing a little over a year ago but it's always kinda been an on and off thing. I have a beautiful little girl named Summer, she keeps me on track. I love her more than anything in this world and I'd do anything to protect her. I'm weird, I'm stupid and insanely immature, but it keeps life interesting. I generally don't like to take things too seriously but I can when the occasion calls for it. Anything else you wish to know just ask =) Thanks for stopping by, guys :heart:

Current Residence: The merry old land of Oz
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:iconmisdmeanor:
MisDmeanor Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the :+fav: :heart:
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:iconmoricca:
Moricca Featured By Owner May 22, 2014
Thank you for the favorite, it means something to me :)
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:iconautumnsky66:
autumnsky66 Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday!!! I hope you have an amazing day :heart: :huggle:
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:iconbymichaelx:
byMichaelX Featured By Owner May 19, 2014   Traditional Artist
Thank you so much fav! :) it's very appreciated.

www.facebook.com/byMichaelX?re… ----------> like my page :heart: :heart: :heart: 

:hug: :heart:
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:iconprincessisabell:
princessisabell Featured By Owner May 16, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank You sooo much for :+fav:
 Long way to home by princessisabell    
Have a great day !! :tighthug:
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:iconyurippi-nakamura:
Yurippi-Nakamura Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
ur daughter is lucky to have a sweet mom like you she must be able to relate to u a lot ^^
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:iconsaidge42:
Saidge42 Featured By Owner May 7, 2014

:iconthankyouscript1::iconthankyouscript2::iconthankyouscript3: :iconbigfav4plz:     :iconfavesmile:

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:iconburningcrimsonlove:
BurningCrimsonLove Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014
Thank you for the watch and the fav's. Been a fan of yours for a while! :heart:
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:iconbellabugia:
BellaBugia Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Awwh thanks and you're most welcome! Look forward to seeing more from you =)
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:iconburningcrimsonlove:
BurningCrimsonLove Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014
I rarely ever post these days, no inspiration or anything, but I'm glad you're looking forward to it :) 
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