So, there's been a few things going on as of late, as per usual! Of course I come here a broken woman looking for a way to repair myself. I left my gaming team this morning. This may sound trivial to you guys but to me, it was a big part of what my life had become, lately. It was not planned, although I had thought about it previously. The lack of organisation was just driving me crazy and I don't like constantly being reminded of who is the leader unless leadership is being questioned. There was a clear segregation between the leaders and the subordinates and I cannot function in that kind of environment. I don't mean it's my way or the highway, don't get me wrong, I can follow leadership... but there has to be regulations, organisation and enforcement for any kind of team, business or anything else along those lines to be able to function in a productive manner. Something I say regularly to my mum (whether it be in regards to Summer, feelings towards herself or goals she wants to achieve) "We don't half arse it in this house." I take the same attitude with my tasks when I am set. I cannot be a part of something that I wouldn't be proud to have my name on. I am the same way with my uni (hence breakdown and needing to break), I am the same way with Summer, with anything really. In fact, in having and raising Summer, it has only become worse because she is so fixed on schedules and to a point, that has enhanced that trait in me. A fault of mine, I readily admit. If something is broken or not working, I have to fix it. If I have a deadline, no matter what chaos is going on around me, I HAVE to meet it. Even if it near kills me. Even during breaks I am trying to solve the problem, complete that essay, finish putting together the schedule for whatever... I literally CANNOT do things by half. If it has something I have taken on that is too much and has to be cut (which is often the case with me because I want to do so much with my life and I am truly and genuinely passionate about so many things, I take on more than I can handle. Regularly.) then I have to learn to "grieve" the idea and move on. But this team, I was very invested in. I spent hours, days, even weeks working for them to not even have half of the enthusiasm or work shown back. It was keeping me up at night being mad at the lack of communication and the way things were still expected to be just done when they were ready. Being in a different time zone definitely was a obstacle that no matter how I tried, I could not work around. Not with Summer and she comes first. No passion of mine could or would come before her. People never seem to realise this.
Briefly touching on the stressful events of late, my niece went in for surgery on Tuesday. She went fine and seems to be recovering well. Was not a risky operation but still caused my mum to stress which caused me to stress and the lack of communication from my sister was disgusting. That being said, that was the cause of her own marital problems which I am not even going to go into 1. because I would need a whole other account to just tell that story, 2. it's not my story to tell. And my grandfather called up not long ago. His good eye is bloodshot, there is no pain and he can still see but it is a worry because it is his good eye =\ Just to explain, his "bad" eye, he can hardly see out of now and it would be incredibly heartbreaking because he loves his poetry. He writes, he reads, the man is 86 and still goes to his poetry group once a week. He carries around a heavy briefcase full of poetry books "just in case" he gets the opportunity to read to people, including hospital visits. It has always been a love of his. He recited a poem he had written at my parents wedding, and just writing this (and thinking about the possibility of his loss of sight) brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because I know that would be the end of him. Poetry is all he really has left now.
So, with just those things in mind (and that is no where near the extent of what life has been lately), understandably today is an emotional day for me. One of those days where I feel like I can't quite keep my shit together and yet I have to because I am home alone with Summer and if I fall apart now, she will too, which just makes shit a whole bunch worse. But at least I do not feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack like I have for the last 2 days, so I am enjoying that, at least. Funny, the things you appreciate. That being said I predict Summer will most likely start playing up soon because I can only seem to shield emotions from her for a short time. It's like she sniffs it out v_v Then she will start acting up because I'm emotional which will make my day a fuck ton harder! That will most likely be followed by me smashing off a whole block of chocolate to myself because I can and it doesn't cause tooth ache now
Yay for emotional eating?