I've got the itch to write and I have given it a go several times now but nothing seems to go together the way I want it to. Lines turn into other lines that turn into nothing. I've got the itch but I can't quite scratch it!
I feel kinda.. idk. Stuck? Stuck on old things, stuck on new things, stuck in a mood that isn't all that nice. I've lost that spark, that exuberance, that zest for life. A lot of the time I find myself thinking "Oh, what's the point? Why bother?" My sleeping patterns have gone all wonky again which I don't think really helps the situation. I have too much time by myself at night. I like the time I just don't like being left alone with my thoughts, if that makes any sense at all. It takes me a while to wind down from a day with Summer, now, but that means I have way too much time to think. Which in some cases helps but in most cases I feel it's somewhat self-destructive. I feel like I really need writing at the moment to help this phase pass but I just can't seem to get it together. My writing failures just make me feel even worse. It's a vicious circle that seems like it won't be ending any time soon.
Once again I find myself back at this particular point. How does one be open about their thoughts and feelings? Particularly in regards to a relationship. It has become apparent to me that I have, in fact, forgotten how to be open which seems to present somewhat of a problem. When these issues arise I just find it really difficult to process. As soon as someone wants to know something I don't particularly want to share I just want to run. I want to get away and fast. It feels like someone is in my aura. I am very funny about my personal space and this feels like an invasion of space when it shouldn't be that way? I mean, there would be a certain amount of discomfort in sharing something one doesn't particularly want to but by the same token you can't hide things from a person you wish to make progress with in relationship terms. When it comes to this kind of thing, I feel like I am severely impaired and I don't know how to fix it. On one hand I do not see this as much of a problem. My problems are my problems and I don't want to pass my baggage or stresses on to others. What does it matter if I don't want to talk about something? Which brings me to the flip side of the problem. I am finding I don't want to talk about a lot, especially if I am agitated or upset. One simply cannot afford to not share these problems with their partner. I can see the frustration in it but at the same time, I just can't seem to help it. This is the way I have functioned for many years. No one can use things against you or hurt you if you don't hand them the ammunition.
I guess I should try to sleep. I kinda hoped this would help a bit but it doesn't really seem like it has. Although I can repeat myself several times in journal format before it begins to become cathartic. Oh well, back to the vodka! Hope you guys are doing well, love you all!