BellaBugia

I don’t want to be in love with you I don’t want to hear your voice Melting Like ice on a summers day I don’t want to see your smile Hoping I’m the reason you’re happy I don’t want to hold my breath Waiting To hear from you again I don’t want to be in love with you Knowing You won’t love me back

Every time I lay my head down I toss and turn As if my body has somewhere to be That I don't know about My thoughts Dancing to the symphony of your touch, unfelt Still, the rhythm hypnotizes me Longing Is a slow and painful death In which I die and am reborn To repeat the next night As if it were a ritual Perhaps I know where my body is trying to go After all..

I want to be "that girl" With complete confidence And perfect sanity

This scar left Tears the heart from me Partially Severing the trust; I'm fumbling To find stable ground In the haze of the cloud Filling me with doubt As I slowly drown What happens now? When I reach out You're no where to be found Emotional drought and I'm - Scrambling to find the pieces Bring us peace and Protect me and my daughter From disharmony Cos it's a father she seeks Holds on tight with her fears Hoping you will be here And I pray that I'm wrong So she won't realise her greatest fear

I woke up this morning Threw my feet to the floor In a vain attempt To push myself through Another day And the sun - she greeted me Through the cracks Of my curtain Radiating her light into A dark and dreary world Through squinted eyes  I reach my closet Combing through The wreckage "Hmm, what shall I wear today? Ah-ha! My favourite." So I suck in my tummy Squeeze into A most vibrant shade Of happy But it's so  Uncomfortable Awkward Crushing Suffocating "But you look so good! Just wear it!!" Another day - discomfort But I survive I look pretty And after all; That is all that Really matters

No one understands me Like you do Take me away With your melody That plays through the night Your strings speak The song of my soul Transforming my thoughts Into lyrics No, nobody understands me Not like you For that I'll always be your slave

I dreamed of you last night Oh, how perfect you were Brilliant white cheeks; tinged blue By death's tender kiss "Open your eyes, baby" I stroked your hair; Kissed your forehead I loved you as if you were mine - Held you close But alas, you never were "Breathe, baby. Just breathe..."

What gives you the right to breathe While gasping for air; I bleed My tortured soul left scattered Buried way down beneath The surface; my purpose On earth is nothing beyond existing cos I'm the wrong shade of perfect

Delayed Consequences 773 Days 7 Hours 25 Minutes 30 Seconds That's how long it has been The apex of that decision When I sat at this screen And made the last incision I turned against my mind Staring down upon the blade Knowing I'd soon be blind I should have been afraid I resorted to mutilation It was rash and immature Acting out of desperation I just wanted to make sure I had to erase my longing As feelings made me weak I'd no hope of belonging Because I'm but a freak The plan was a success I escaped the mental hell Dismissing my distress Breaking from her spell The process may be violent But new clarity was born All emotions fell sile

Tell her you're sorry, A heartfelt apology. Do not part angry!