Well.. Mother's Day is upon us today. It's only 1:13 pm and it feels as though it has been an eternity. I felt my depression creeping up on me yesterday and it is very safe to say that it has taken me over today. Went to the doctors earlier in the week, got a medication increase and been given yet another label... PTSD this time, gotta go back and fill out some shit and ring around as I'm being referred to a psych and I have to "choose" one, like that's something you can really do over the phone.
I know I'm not coping well - whenever I try to voice this to the few closest to me, they down play it or brush it off... at least that is what it feels like, I am sure they don't mean it to be that way. I understand my feelings are very confronting but guess what... I don't know what to do with them either! Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of just changing the subject and moving along, as others do. It's as if I am expected to "snap out of it" because I have survived thus far, like I should draw strength from how much my life has sucked, and just gets worse. To this all I can say is "What if I wanted to break?" What if I am tired of fighting every single day of my life to just "survive". I have not lived a day in my life, I have survived - scrapped through each day barely in tact. Am I seriously expected to do this dance for the rest of my life with no reprieve? What if I'm running on empty, am I still expected to perform with the same tenacity I have displayed previously? I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and no one will listen, as if my feelings and reactions are that of a drama queen. Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually need people treating me as if I am crazy, I already feel like I'm losing it. There is nothing solid, no stability. I'm sick of trying to find the ground.
On top of just how I feel, Summer's father is back to being a dickhead, threat of losing the house is still over my head. Seriously, how much is one person meant to deal with? And I think I could get through if I could even imagine some form of end to this torture, but alas, I do not. I do not seeing life get easier. Ever. It's been on a steady decline for over a decade now and it doesn't improve. Or if it does, it is briefly, to give me hope, then it's gone. Because I love being crushed over and over and over. Sure, it's fine to be optimistic and upbeat when you are only witnessing it, not experiencing it. Plenty of people to offer their sympathy but no one to actually help. Even with Summer. I have no one. I've babysat various children since mum's passing so people could have a break. Anyone to do that for me? Anyone who will even offer? No?? Well there is a fucking surprise. It was kinda funny (but mostly sad); when I went to the docs she asked if there was anyone I could talk to in the mean time, she was pushing me to talk to friends or family. I said "Look, I'm gonna be honest, my mum was all I had and she's gone." I was given the number for a fucking helpline because I lack any kind of decent support. Actually, now I read that back, that's nothing but utterly pathetic. Done.
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Give me a reason to live.
9 min read
I am trying to overcome my most difficult obstacle yet. My mum, my best friend, the closest person to me in the world... she passed away. I found her out in the garden, she had been gardening that day. I found her outside leaning up against the fence. I don't want to cover more detail than that but needless to say I tried to save her, I failed and it haunts every waking moment. If I had have just checked her earlier, not had my music so loud, hell, if I had have been out there with her... I could have prevented it. I hate myself so much at the moment.
I would have moved heaven and earth for her. When I tell people that I have lost more than just my mother, they look at me like "Well everyone loves their mum" but it's not just that. She was there for me through everything I had ever endured, she even dragged me through some of it at times. Any problem I had, it did not matter, she was there to talk it out with me. We would finish each others sentences, and then burst out into fits of laughter because we knew it would not be the last time and certainly not the first, but it was always enjoyed. I could talk to her through facial expressions and hand gestures and she would know exactly what I was talking about. We shared the same weird sense of humour. She made me feel like at least somewhere, I belonged - somewhere, someone always cared. She understood my feelings, even if I could not articulate them.
In this mess of emotions, where I can't actually tell HOW I feel most of the time, the only emotion I am able to identify is anger. Why her? She was 48 years old and she was a DAMN good woman, why would you take her from us? Why would you take her from Summer?? How could any God in their right mind think I would be able to handle what is to come, I can barely handle what is. Not one day has passed since her death that I have not longed to be not of this world. It is a cruel punishment to have your best friend torn away from you, before you got to even see her truly happy. The list of reasons for my anger is endless but frightening, nonetheless. I have never before felt such rage, such loneliness and such despair. There is nothing at the moment that makes me want to keep going, not one thing. Summer, well she could be in better hands, lets face it.
It's incomprehensible to me that she will not be here for the day Summer makes mainstream (hopefully), or the day I graduate (if I ever go back to uni - don't see the point now); any future grandchildren or the day I marry (if ever hah). Why don't we deserve to have her longer than we did? If someone had have told me I would lose my mum before I was 25, I think I would have knocked them out.
I don't even know what else to say, lost it. Stressing cos I have an edit that is due and got someone distracting me, and I can't focus nor find a solution for either! Add more problems, like I fucking need that. All I know is right now, I would gladly trade her life for mine. My mum feared death, I do not. I never have. I welcome it with open arms, it just won't take me.
I would have moved heaven and earth for her. When I tell people that I have lost more than just my mother, they look at me like "Well everyone loves their mum" but it's not just that. She was there for me through everything I had ever endured, she even dragged me through some of it at times. Any problem I had, it did not matter, she was there to talk it out with me. We would finish each others sentences, and then burst out into fits of laughter because we knew it would not be the last time and certainly not the first, but it was always enjoyed. I could talk to her through facial expressions and hand gestures and she would know exactly what I was talking about. We shared the same weird sense of humour. She made me feel like at least somewhere, I belonged - somewhere, someone always cared. She understood my feelings, even if I could not articulate them.
In this mess of emotions, where I can't actually tell HOW I feel most of the time, the only emotion I am able to identify is anger. Why her? She was 48 years old and she was a DAMN good woman, why would you take her from us? Why would you take her from Summer?? How could any God in their right mind think I would be able to handle what is to come, I can barely handle what is. Not one day has passed since her death that I have not longed to be not of this world. It is a cruel punishment to have your best friend torn away from you, before you got to even see her truly happy. The list of reasons for my anger is endless but frightening, nonetheless. I have never before felt such rage, such loneliness and such despair. There is nothing at the moment that makes me want to keep going, not one thing. Summer, well she could be in better hands, lets face it.
It's incomprehensible to me that she will not be here for the day Summer makes mainstream (hopefully), or the day I graduate (if I ever go back to uni - don't see the point now); any future grandchildren or the day I marry (if ever hah). Why don't we deserve to have her longer than we did? If someone had have told me I would lose my mum before I was 25, I think I would have knocked them out.
I don't even know what else to say, lost it. Stressing cos I have an edit that is due and got someone distracting me, and I can't focus nor find a solution for either! Add more problems, like I fucking need that. All I know is right now, I would gladly trade her life for mine. My mum feared death, I do not. I never have. I welcome it with open arms, it just won't take me.
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Problems of all different colours!
5 min read
So, there's been a few things going on as of late, as per usual! Of course I come here a broken woman looking for a way to repair myself. I left my gaming team this morning. This may sound trivial to you guys but to me, it was a big part of what my life had become, lately. It was not planned, although I had thought about it previously. The lack of organisation was just driving me crazy and I don't like constantly being reminded of who is the leader unless leadership is being questioned. There was a clear segregation between the leaders and the subordinates and I cannot function in that kind of environment. I don't mean it's my way or the highway, don't get me wrong, I can follow leadership... but there has to be regulations, organisation and enforcement for any kind of team, business or anything else along those lines to be able to function in a productive manner. Something I say regularly to my mum (whether it be in regards to Summer, feelings towards herself or goals she wants to achieve) "We don't half arse it in this house." I take the same attitude with my tasks when I am set. I cannot be a part of something that I wouldn't be proud to have my name on. I am the same way with my uni (hence breakdown and needing to break), I am the same way with Summer, with anything really. In fact, in having and raising Summer, it has only become worse because she is so fixed on schedules and to a point, that has enhanced that trait in me. A fault of mine, I readily admit. If something is broken or not working, I have to fix it. If I have a deadline, no matter what chaos is going on around me, I HAVE to meet it. Even if it near kills me. Even during breaks I am trying to solve the problem, complete that essay, finish putting together the schedule for whatever... I literally CANNOT do things by half. If it has something I have taken on that is too much and has to be cut (which is often the case with me because I want to do so much with my life and I am truly and genuinely passionate about so many things, I take on more than I can handle. Regularly.) then I have to learn to "grieve" the idea and move on. But this team, I was very invested in. I spent hours, days, even weeks working for them to not even have half of the enthusiasm or work shown back. It was keeping me up at night being mad at the lack of communication and the way things were still expected to be just done when they were ready. Being in a different time zone definitely was a obstacle that no matter how I tried, I could not work around. Not with Summer and she comes first. No passion of mine could or would come before her. People never seem to realise this.
Briefly touching on the stressful events of late, my niece went in for surgery on Tuesday. She went fine and seems to be recovering well. Was not a risky operation but still caused my mum to stress which caused me to stress and the lack of communication from my sister was disgusting. That being said, that was the cause of her own marital problems which I am not even going to go into 1. because I would need a whole other account to just tell that story, 2. it's not my story to tell. And my grandfather called up not long ago. His good eye is bloodshot, there is no pain and he can still see but it is a worry because it is his good eye =\ Just to explain, his "bad" eye, he can hardly see out of now and it would be incredibly heartbreaking because he loves his poetry. He writes, he reads, the man is 86 and still goes to his poetry group once a week. He carries around a heavy briefcase full of poetry books "just in case" he gets the opportunity to read to people, including hospital visits. It has always been a love of his. He recited a poem he had written at my parents wedding, and just writing this (and thinking about the possibility of his loss of sight) brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because I know that would be the end of him. Poetry is all he really has left now.
So, with just those things in mind (and that is no where near the extent of what life has been lately), understandably today is an emotional day for me. One of those days where I feel like I can't quite keep my shit together and yet I have to because I am home alone with Summer and if I fall apart now, she will too, which just makes shit a whole bunch worse. But at least I do not feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack like I have for the last 2 days, so I am enjoying that, at least. Funny, the things you appreciate. That being said I predict Summer will most likely start playing up soon because I can only seem to shield emotions from her for a short time. It's like she sniffs it out v_v Then she will start acting up because I'm emotional which will make my day a fuck ton harder! That will most likely be followed by me smashing off a whole block of chocolate to myself because I can and it doesn't cause tooth ache now
Yay for emotional eating?
Briefly touching on the stressful events of late, my niece went in for surgery on Tuesday. She went fine and seems to be recovering well. Was not a risky operation but still caused my mum to stress which caused me to stress and the lack of communication from my sister was disgusting. That being said, that was the cause of her own marital problems which I am not even going to go into 1. because I would need a whole other account to just tell that story, 2. it's not my story to tell. And my grandfather called up not long ago. His good eye is bloodshot, there is no pain and he can still see but it is a worry because it is his good eye =\ Just to explain, his "bad" eye, he can hardly see out of now and it would be incredibly heartbreaking because he loves his poetry. He writes, he reads, the man is 86 and still goes to his poetry group once a week. He carries around a heavy briefcase full of poetry books "just in case" he gets the opportunity to read to people, including hospital visits. It has always been a love of his. He recited a poem he had written at my parents wedding, and just writing this (and thinking about the possibility of his loss of sight) brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because I know that would be the end of him. Poetry is all he really has left now.
So, with just those things in mind (and that is no where near the extent of what life has been lately), understandably today is an emotional day for me. One of those days where I feel like I can't quite keep my shit together and yet I have to because I am home alone with Summer and if I fall apart now, she will too, which just makes shit a whole bunch worse. But at least I do not feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack like I have for the last 2 days, so I am enjoying that, at least. Funny, the things you appreciate. That being said I predict Summer will most likely start playing up soon because I can only seem to shield emotions from her for a short time. It's like she sniffs it out v_v Then she will start acting up because I'm emotional which will make my day a fuck ton harder! That will most likely be followed by me smashing off a whole block of chocolate to myself because I can and it doesn't cause tooth ache now
Yay for emotional eating?
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Devious Journal Entry
12 min read
I am suffering greatly to my depression at the moment. I am here in hopes to calm myself as I have not felt myself drawn toward the darkness with such force in a while. I can't envision my life past this day - I am ready for everything to end. So I hit here in my darkened room even though there is more light outside than there has been for a while. I just can't bare the "light" of the sun; it's as if even Mother Nature is mocking me. How can there be so much light outside when I find myself confined to a place where light dares not enter?
Yesterday was very difficult, I am surprised I even made it through. Stress-wise, not depression-wise. For those who don't know (as I think it may vary?) it was Father's Day here yesterday. Of course, Summer's father thinking he is actually counts as a father, started harassing me to speak with Summer on the phone from about oh... 10 am? This proceeded to continue until about 12 - 1 pm. He wanted to talk to Summer on the phone because it was Father's Day. Summer, being the lovely girl she is, didn't give two hoots about Father's Day, just as she doesn't care much for any other day unless it is a birthday. This year was the first year I got to celebrate MY birthday and not have to repeatedly tell her that it's mummy's birthday, not hers. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, right? Important thing is we are getting there. Getting back on track here, I asked Summer if she wanted to speak to daddy on the phone because it was Father's Day. She said no, so I was not going to force her. Just as I do not force her to do anything against her will that is not necessary (understand that she is not capable of making all decisions by herself, but I let her make as many as she can). I told him she said "no" and that I was not going to force her but he would not take that for an answer. He wanted me to ask her again because it meant a lot to him, after many refusals he proceeded to call my phone, he wanted me to just give the phone to her and if she didn't want to talk that was ok, apparently. But it wouldn't have been... Long story short, spent the day with the music up, the blinds half closed, keeping Summer entertained on Minecraft and watching out the window in case he showed up. Summer eventually picked up on my stress and then the night was just a nightmare. She was horrible, she just turned into a demon. As she does when I really don't need her to.
Jason, her father, is causing me so much stress lately it is not even funny. I am lucky to have a night where I can sleep without his friggin head popping into my dreams. Most of my days are spent stressing about what crap he is going to try and pull next. A week or two after Summer's birthday, which he attended (she said she wanted daddy to come so I made it happen), we had a meeting. The purpose of this meeting was to talk about Summer and to try and FINALLY get him on board with what is happening with Summer and to offer him the chance to be truly involved, if that was what he really wanted. Of course, this comes at a cost. For her birthday, he gave Summer a Richmond Tiger's football jersey, which was 2 sizes too big =\ He was and still is adamant that he wants a photo of Summer in the thing. Again, because it means so much to him, and because it would be cute. Both very valid reasons... in the world of Jason I spoke about this in the meeting and told him that first and foremost, if you want a relationship with Summer, you need to check your feelings at the door because I can guarantee she doesn't care about them. This was not stated to be vicious or nasty in any way, that is just how it is. I am mum and she treats me exactly the same. He needn't expect some type of royal treatment because he is her father because he is never going to get it from her. Summer only cares about Summer (most of the time) and that's just the way it is. This is what I mean when I say Autism can be extremely selfish. Don't get me wrong, Summer is a very sweet, caring little girl - her autism is selfish, not her. She is such a sweet, gentle soul; and extremely fragile, as "cold" as she may appear. Also, I asked him what he knew about autism and the response I got was "I know heaps about it; I'm on all the groups on Facebook". I know from myself and my Facebooking habits that being in a group does not mean that you know about something - it simply means the information surrounding the topic is made more available to you. He has never been a reader and having asked the same question 3 times since then, I would think it is safe to say he has no clue about autism, as I have suspected since her diagnosis. I told him I only wanted to know what he knew so I could make sure he was getting the correct info because not ALL autism-related info is applicable to Summer. "If you know one child with Autism, you know one child with Autism" - this is true! They are as unique as you or I and their abilities and disabilities vary greatly from child to child. I just wanted to assure he was getting the information relevant to Summer instead of say, a completely non-verbal child. Of course, this has now been taken as me being a bitch/treating him like he is dumb/on a power trip. I also said at the meeting that phone calls are now (and until Summer can cope with them) off limits. There will be no phone communication of any kind as this relies JUST on verbal communication which Summer finds extremely difficult at the best of times, let alone when it's dad on the other end. She screams, throws the phone, hangs up (he will keep calling back) and still, he persists. That behavior quite clearly displays to me that she is uncomfortable with what she is doing. I also told him that a greater financial contribution is non-negotiable if visitations are to go forward. He tells me he can't afford it, he can't get work atm... basically all the crap I have heard for the last 7 years any time I have mentioned him paying more than $80 p/m (we've gone up! but in the world of special needs, that is a pathetic amount. I would feel sick if this was all I contributed to Summer a month). So I told him that's not good enough, get yourself sorted. This is what I meant when I said "Sort your life out then you can see Summer". Well, part of it. He's 27 for God's sake. If you can't pull your socks up for your daughter, will you ever?? I also asked that he fund and attend at least one therapy session with Summer a month. He has previously found ways to get out of all therapy except one session. If he wants to see Summer, being involved with therapy is a must. As well as being involved with her school. I asked him to be in contact with the school, call them, make an appointment with the teachers to talk about Summer (what she's doing, where she is at, etc) and be involved in meetings where possible, understanding future work could conflict with this request but until such a time as he acquires work, there is no reason not to attend. All requests have been denied. He shouldn't have to pay or do any of these things to see Summer because in the end it is about love, not money. The fact that the man even said that made me want to puke. If it's about love, not money, why won't you help her?? Dickface.
After all that hullabaloo, he's going to see his lawyer. Which I was also told he was going to do like a week ago? When this initially blew up in my face. He had agreed to everything when we met so this was a massive kick in the guts as I had believed that we were finally moving in a positive direction. The only thing stopping him from seeing Summer is him - I am just not simply allowing him to damage her any further. Especially if I am going to have to be the one paying for the extra psychotherapy he causes. I've told him what he needs to do if he wants to see Summer and if he is unhappy with this, he can seek legal advice. I doubt any court would tell me what I am doing is wrong, and I know this because I have spent many hours/days/weeks feeling bad, wondering if I am doing the right thing in keeping him from Summer until the requirements are met.. But I am not. I am simply protecting my child from an uneducated, self-centred father. Until his motives genuine and he truly cares and is willing to contribute to Summer's well being, to help her grow and learn and accept her the way she is, I'm not changing my mind. He told me yesterday that he isn't going to treat her like she is disabled; he treats her like a normal child. As nice as the idea is, you can't do that with Summer. That's how she gets hurt, that's how she doesn't cope. I tried treating her as a normal child until she was diagnosed. That luxury went out the window the day she received that diagnosis. You need to TREAT her as a disabled child in order for her to FUNCTION as a normal child! I didn't envision that when my daughter was 7 that I would still have to carry her out of places when she's having a meltdown, even though she is almost my height. I didn't think that I would have to deal with meltdowns in the middle of a crowded shopping centre, when you child is screaming at the top of their lungs, hitting, throwing themselves on the floor and you have to grab their face to get eye contact to even have a hope of calming them. That's not what I wanted when I thought of having a daughter, either! But you just get on with it, help her through whatever she needs you to and fuck everyone else! Including how you feel about it. It's just her. It's ALL her ALL THE TIME!!! That's how I live. That's how it is for my mum. That's just how it is. She's not going to step into your world, but she will wait forever for you to step into hers.
FINALLY moving away from the topic of him, I have recently suffered a heartbreak of sorts. Well heartbreak and pride mixed into a weird ball of shit that I don't know what to do with. The man I have kinda "held" myself out for (in another country) has recently showed signs of settling at home. Which is great, I mean I am so happy for him. He is looking at buying a house soon, he has recently acquired a second job and wants to go to college to become a software engineer. I have known him since we were 18 so to see where he has come from to now and his hopes and ambitions... I am just so proud of him and happy for him. That is important to note that I AM happy for him. But there is part of me that breaks a little more every time he mentions these plans. He still promises he will come for me one day, as he knows I have no hope of getting to him. I know that he wants to but all this... just says otherwise to me. And the stupid thing is it's not as if we are promised to each other. I think for the both of us it has always been but a dream. Ahh, the dangers of sending your heart overseas. I'm finding it really difficult to even speak to him at the moment, even though I really want to. My heart fills with such a heavy sadness every time I try and if nothing else, I want to be the friend to him that he has been to me. It's just so hard. He is the one I have mentioned here over the years, you will no doubt find him in some of my writings. Never even "met" the man yet he still continues to hold my heart captive, haha. Probably a little sad on my part, I guess. I just don't know what to make of all this. My mum has tried to console me about this, giving me different perspectives from which to view this and I know she means well but any perspective that doesn't have him... just makes me sad. Maybe moving on is what I am supposed to do, idk. Part of me screams that I'm stupid and I need to end this silliness. Actually the best way to describe how I feel is the song I am listening to right now; Nothing Left To Say - Imagine Dragons. Go listen to it on youtube if you're interested. The lyrics, the music, I feel it all. I think I'm gonna end this here I'm just gonna go do... idk. Something. I hope you're all well and hopefully more positive things are happening in all of your lives. Love and blessings xx
Yesterday was very difficult, I am surprised I even made it through. Stress-wise, not depression-wise. For those who don't know (as I think it may vary?) it was Father's Day here yesterday. Of course, Summer's father thinking he is actually counts as a father, started harassing me to speak with Summer on the phone from about oh... 10 am? This proceeded to continue until about 12 - 1 pm. He wanted to talk to Summer on the phone because it was Father's Day. Summer, being the lovely girl she is, didn't give two hoots about Father's Day, just as she doesn't care much for any other day unless it is a birthday. This year was the first year I got to celebrate MY birthday and not have to repeatedly tell her that it's mummy's birthday, not hers. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, right? Important thing is we are getting there. Getting back on track here, I asked Summer if she wanted to speak to daddy on the phone because it was Father's Day. She said no, so I was not going to force her. Just as I do not force her to do anything against her will that is not necessary (understand that she is not capable of making all decisions by herself, but I let her make as many as she can). I told him she said "no" and that I was not going to force her but he would not take that for an answer. He wanted me to ask her again because it meant a lot to him, after many refusals he proceeded to call my phone, he wanted me to just give the phone to her and if she didn't want to talk that was ok, apparently. But it wouldn't have been... Long story short, spent the day with the music up, the blinds half closed, keeping Summer entertained on Minecraft and watching out the window in case he showed up. Summer eventually picked up on my stress and then the night was just a nightmare. She was horrible, she just turned into a demon. As she does when I really don't need her to.
Jason, her father, is causing me so much stress lately it is not even funny. I am lucky to have a night where I can sleep without his friggin head popping into my dreams. Most of my days are spent stressing about what crap he is going to try and pull next. A week or two after Summer's birthday, which he attended (she said she wanted daddy to come so I made it happen), we had a meeting. The purpose of this meeting was to talk about Summer and to try and FINALLY get him on board with what is happening with Summer and to offer him the chance to be truly involved, if that was what he really wanted. Of course, this comes at a cost. For her birthday, he gave Summer a Richmond Tiger's football jersey, which was 2 sizes too big =\ He was and still is adamant that he wants a photo of Summer in the thing. Again, because it means so much to him, and because it would be cute. Both very valid reasons... in the world of Jason
I spoke about this in the meeting and told him that first and foremost, if you want a relationship with Summer, you need to check your feelings at the door because I can guarantee she doesn't care about them. This was not stated to be vicious or nasty in any way, that is just how it is. I am mum and she treats me exactly the same. He needn't expect some type of royal treatment because he is her father because he is never going to get it from her. Summer only cares about Summer (most of the time) and that's just the way it is. This is what I mean when I say Autism can be extremely selfish. Don't get me wrong, Summer is a very sweet, caring little girl - her autism is selfish, not her. She is such a sweet, gentle soul; and extremely fragile, as "cold" as she may appear. Also, I asked him what he knew about autism and the response I got was "I know heaps about it; I'm on all the groups on Facebook". I know from myself and my Facebooking habits that being in a group does not mean that you know about something - it simply means the information surrounding the topic is made more available to you. He has never been a reader and having asked the same question 3 times since then, I would think it is safe to say he has no clue about autism, as I have suspected since her diagnosis. I told him I only wanted to know what he knew so I could make sure he was getting the correct info because not ALL autism-related info is applicable to Summer. "If you know one child with Autism, you know one child with Autism" - this is true! They are as unique as you or I and their abilities and disabilities vary greatly from child to child. I just wanted to assure he was getting the information relevant to Summer instead of say, a completely non-verbal child. Of course, this has now been taken as me being a bitch/treating him like he is dumb/on a power trip. I also said at the meeting that phone calls are now (and until Summer can cope with them) off limits. There will be no phone communication of any kind as this relies JUST on verbal communication which Summer finds extremely difficult at the best of times, let alone when it's dad on the other end. She screams, throws the phone, hangs up (he will keep calling back) and still, he persists. That behavior quite clearly displays to me that she is uncomfortable with what she is doing. I also told him that a greater financial contribution is non-negotiable if visitations are to go forward. He tells me he can't afford it, he can't get work atm... basically all the crap I have heard for the last 7 years any time I have mentioned him paying more than $80 p/m (we've gone up! but in the world of special needs, that is a pathetic amount. I would feel sick if this was all I contributed to Summer a month). So I told him that's not good enough, get yourself sorted. This is what I meant when I said "Sort your life out then you can see Summer". Well, part of it. He's 27 for God's sake. If you can't pull your socks up for your daughter, will you ever?? I also asked that he fund and attend at least one therapy session with Summer a month. He has previously found ways to get out of all therapy except one session. If he wants to see Summer, being involved with therapy is a must. As well as being involved with her school. I asked him to be in contact with the school, call them, make an appointment with the teachers to talk about Summer (what she's doing, where she is at, etc) and be involved in meetings where possible, understanding future work could conflict with this request but until such a time as he acquires work, there is no reason not to attend. All requests have been denied. He shouldn't have to pay or do any of these things to see Summer because in the end it is about love, not money. The fact that the man even said that made me want to puke. If it's about love, not money, why won't you help her?? Dickface. After all that hullabaloo, he's going to see his lawyer. Which I was also told he was going to do like a week ago? When this initially blew up in my face. He had agreed to everything when we met so this was a massive kick in the guts as I had believed that we were finally moving in a positive direction. The only thing stopping him from seeing Summer is him - I am just not simply allowing him to damage her any further. Especially if I am going to have to be the one paying for the extra psychotherapy he causes. I've told him what he needs to do if he wants to see Summer and if he is unhappy with this, he can seek legal advice. I doubt any court would tell me what I am doing is wrong, and I know this because I have spent many hours/days/weeks feeling bad, wondering if I am doing the right thing in keeping him from Summer until the requirements are met.. But I am not. I am simply protecting my child from an uneducated, self-centred father. Until his motives genuine and he truly cares and is willing to contribute to Summer's well being, to help her grow and learn and accept her the way she is, I'm not changing my mind. He told me yesterday that he isn't going to treat her like she is disabled; he treats her like a normal child. As nice as the idea is, you can't do that with Summer. That's how she gets hurt, that's how she doesn't cope. I tried treating her as a normal child until she was diagnosed. That luxury went out the window the day she received that diagnosis. You need to TREAT her as a disabled child in order for her to FUNCTION as a normal child! I didn't envision that when my daughter was 7 that I would still have to carry her out of places when she's having a meltdown, even though she is almost my height. I didn't think that I would have to deal with meltdowns in the middle of a crowded shopping centre, when you child is screaming at the top of their lungs, hitting, throwing themselves on the floor and you have to grab their face to get eye contact to even have a hope of calming them. That's not what I wanted when I thought of having a daughter, either! But you just get on with it, help her through whatever she needs you to and fuck everyone else! Including how you feel about it. It's just her. It's ALL her ALL THE TIME!!! That's how I live. That's how it is for my mum. That's just how it is. She's not going to step into your world, but she will wait forever for you to step into hers.
FINALLY moving away from the topic of him, I have recently suffered a heartbreak of sorts. Well heartbreak and pride mixed into a weird ball of shit that I don't know what to do with. The man I have kinda "held" myself out for (in another country) has recently showed signs of settling at home. Which is great, I mean I am so happy for him. He is looking at buying a house soon, he has recently acquired a second job and wants to go to college to become a software engineer. I have known him since we were 18 so to see where he has come from to now and his hopes and ambitions... I am just so proud of him and happy for him. That is important to note that I AM happy for him. But there is part of me that breaks a little more every time he mentions these plans. He still promises he will come for me one day, as he knows I have no hope of getting to him. I know that he wants to but all this... just says otherwise to me. And the stupid thing is it's not as if we are promised to each other. I think for the both of us it has always been but a dream. Ahh, the dangers of sending your heart overseas. I'm finding it really difficult to even speak to him at the moment, even though I really want to. My heart fills with such a heavy sadness every time I try and if nothing else, I want to be the friend to him that he has been to me. It's just so hard. He is the one I have mentioned here over the years, you will no doubt find him in some of my writings. Never even "met" the man yet he still continues to hold my heart captive, haha. Probably a little sad on my part, I guess. I just don't know what to make of all this. My mum has tried to console me about this, giving me different perspectives from which to view this and I know she means well but any perspective that doesn't have him... just makes me sad. Maybe moving on is what I am supposed to do, idk. Part of me screams that I'm stupid and I need to end this silliness. Actually the best way to describe how I feel is the song I am listening to right now; Nothing Left To Say - Imagine Dragons. Go listen to it on youtube if you're interested. The lyrics, the music, I feel it all. I think I'm gonna end this here I'm just gonna go do... idk. Something. I hope you're all well and hopefully more positive things are happening in all of your lives. Love and blessings xx
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Where Am I Now?
5 min read
So last you guys heard, I was going into surgery - well I am back and it went well. Four hours and a few heart scares later, I was waiting to go home. Summer came in to pick me up, she was so awesome that day you guys don't even understand. She was so sweet and helpful and I could tell that she was really, really trying for me. She's an angel 
As for how I'm travelling mentally well, up until recently I have been travelling much better than expected. I took a photo of myself 3 days after surgery and even with my swollen jaw and lacklustre eyes, it was the "best" photo I had seen of myself for years. I generally feel happier in myself and with myself, which is great. The last few weeks have felt like a bit of a high and now I think the depression is hitting me again. So I get my dentures in about 3 months time, which I was not prepared for. Although what I did learn through the whole experience (thus far, at least) is that some things you just cannot prepare for. In that regard, I am content with the wait. The current rewards compared to how my mouth was (how limited by foods, weather, beverages, etc.) are in themselves, fantastic! There are times I take a mouthful of cool water after food and it's like "Oh shit!! That's gonna cost me" but then there's no pain. It's so awesome. The other night I forgot to get a lemon from the tree to make dinner which would normally mean my mum would have to grab it for me; it's winter here atm and the nights are quite cold. That would have been instant toothache for me, cancelling out my chance of at least attempting the dinner. I went out, without a jacket in the cold and do you know what I felt? Cold. No pain, just cold. It was glorious! Oh, the things you take for granted, I tell ya. Nothing is too sweet, too hot or too cold and I find that in itself to be very liberating. You must understand, my diet has been on the decline for many years now so some of the things available to me now I have not had in like.. 5 years or so? And taste!! Oh my God. The teeth I had in my head were slowly poisoning me every day but what I did NOT know is that they were also hindering my sense of taste. Everything tastes so different! I couldn't drink straight apple juice the next morning, the flavour was just too intense - I had to water it down to drink it.
While all those things make me happy beyond belief I find myself slipping still - this is what causes me to think my depression is the culprit. I mean aside from the fact that I am getting a little frustrated with my eating situation (I can eat anything I can mash, basically. It's been years since I have just bitten into a nice, fresh salad sandwich. You don't understand the cravings I am having, it's like being pregnant i.e; very intense) and I am very much lacking in the sleep department at the moment. Summer keeps waking, or had been waking me every night and now she is sick. So instead of just being up every night I am up several times a night - last night it was every hour from about midnight til 5 or so? Total killer. I know... no. I FEEL that this is taking a toll on both my body and my mind but I still don't feel this is enough to warrant my feelings at the moment. I am finding I am very hot and cold with... everyone. And I don't mean to be! But sometimes it's like I just wanna talk and talk and other times it is like I don't want to talk to anyone ever again. Nothing seems to trigger these sorts of feelings that I can identify, I have tried to analyze my behaviour and look for a trigger but there doesn't seem to be one. I just switch and I can't even explain it. No one has to do anything to me. I want to be with people and be alone all at once. It's very conflicting. Then I am feeling bad because I don't like it when people treat me this way but at the same time, that is all I can do - feel bad. I can't make myself stop it or snap out of it. A majority of the time I just feel confused, I guess? Don't even know if that is the right "label". I am not only experiencing this with people but with other things that I typically enjoy such as writing or gaming. The amount of times I have sat down to do this post, you guys would not believe. I start it then I can't finish because I'm not feeling it. The same with my gaming. But that is all I can do is to realize that I am in a rut I can't bring myself to even try to get out of it. It's almost like I'm on auto-pilot at the moment and I'm just watching everything happen around me. I don't feel like I have control of anything, even myself, all I can do is watch and realize.
As for how I'm travelling mentally well, up until recently I have been travelling much better than expected. I took a photo of myself 3 days after surgery and even with my swollen jaw and lacklustre eyes, it was the "best" photo I had seen of myself for years. I generally feel happier in myself and with myself, which is great. The last few weeks have felt like a bit of a high and now I think the depression is hitting me again. So I get my dentures in about 3 months time, which I was not prepared for. Although what I did learn through the whole experience (thus far, at least) is that some things you just cannot prepare for. In that regard, I am content with the wait. The current rewards compared to how my mouth was (how limited by foods, weather, beverages, etc.) are in themselves, fantastic! There are times I take a mouthful of cool water after food and it's like "Oh shit!! That's gonna cost me" but then there's no pain. It's so awesome. The other night I forgot to get a lemon from the tree to make dinner which would normally mean my mum would have to grab it for me; it's winter here atm and the nights are quite cold. That would have been instant toothache for me, cancelling out my chance of at least attempting the dinner. I went out, without a jacket in the cold and do you know what I felt? Cold. No pain, just cold. It was glorious! Oh, the things you take for granted, I tell ya. Nothing is too sweet, too hot or too cold and I find that in itself to be very liberating. You must understand, my diet has been on the decline for many years now so some of the things available to me now I have not had in like.. 5 years or so? And taste!! Oh my God. The teeth I had in my head were slowly poisoning me every day but what I did NOT know is that they were also hindering my sense of taste. Everything tastes so different! I couldn't drink straight apple juice the next morning, the flavour was just too intense - I had to water it down to drink it.While all those things make me happy beyond belief I find myself slipping still - this is what causes me to think my depression is the culprit. I mean aside from the fact that I am getting a little frustrated with my eating situation (I can eat anything I can mash, basically. It's been years since I have just bitten into a nice, fresh salad sandwich. You don't understand the cravings I am having, it's like being pregnant i.e; very intense) and I am very much lacking in the sleep department at the moment. Summer keeps waking, or had been waking me every night and now she is sick. So instead of just being up every night I am up several times a night - last night it was every hour from about midnight til 5 or so? Total killer. I know... no. I FEEL that this is taking a toll on both my body and my mind but I still don't feel this is enough to warrant my feelings at the moment. I am finding I am very hot and cold with... everyone. And I don't mean to be! But sometimes it's like I just wanna talk and talk and other times it is like I don't want to talk to anyone ever again. Nothing seems to trigger these sorts of feelings that I can identify, I have tried to analyze my behaviour and look for a trigger but there doesn't seem to be one. I just switch and I can't even explain it. No one has to do anything to me. I want to be with people and be alone all at once. It's very conflicting. Then I am feeling bad because I don't like it when people treat me this way but at the same time, that is all I can do - feel bad. I can't make myself stop it or snap out of it. A majority of the time I just feel confused, I guess? Don't even know if that is the right "label". I am not only experiencing this with people but with other things that I typically enjoy such as writing or gaming. The amount of times I have sat down to do this post, you guys would not believe. I start it then I can't finish because I'm not feeling it. The same with my gaming. But that is all I can do is to realize that I am in a rut I can't bring myself to even try to get out of it. It's almost like I'm on auto-pilot at the moment and I'm just watching everything happen around me. I don't feel like I have control of anything, even myself, all I can do is watch and realize.
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